When leaders or HR managers walk through the office and feel tension, it’s a concern. Has there been a confrontation? Outburst? Hurt feelings?
Sometimes it’s not what has been said, but what hasn’t. Difficult conversations are easy to put off, which often leads to resentment, hurt and growing tension.
It’s human nature to avoid things that are uncomfortable. In the workplace, this can mean hoping that if you ignore the situation, things will get better or that someone will pick up on hints and change. Just thinking about telling someone their work has been subpar or that they offended you (or someone else) can be very stressful – especially if the personalities involved will react poorly. Who wants to stir things up more or get yelled at?
And yet, as much as we’d like to look the other way or agree to disagree, the reality is that leaders everywhere and across all industries must:
- Address poor job performance
- Struggle with a board or boss
- Deal with bad behaviours by staff
- Negotiate with stakeholders or clients
- Broach conversations around power and privilege
Folks can easily convince themselves to forget about it for now and wait. “Maybe if I ignore it, it will clear up on its own.” I’ve thought it myself, more than once. But you know what? From my own experience and from thousands of hours of coaching conversations our team has had with leaders in all sorts of industries, I can honestly tell you – it won’t. It never does. The issue may appear to go away but in fact, in the silence, the issues fester. They don’t magically disappear.
Avoiding conflict only seems to work for a time – until frustrations grow, resentments build and tempers flare unexpectedly.Have you ever snapped in anger over something trivial? Or seen someone else lose it over something small, and suddenly pour out weeks (or months? years?) of other frustrations in a verbal tidal wave of fury?
Difficult conversations are something that our Padraig leadership coaches like to reframe as essential.
We like to help leaders understand how destructive workplace conflict affects everyone on the team. There are many unhealthy behaviours that become patterns. Things like triangulation, stonewalling, sarcasm – and avoiding difficult conversations.
Unresolved tensions are stressful for everyone, from those involved to bystanders and their managers. It’s a waste of time and damages morale as well as productivity. In worst-case scenarios, you end up with a toxic workplace culture and people leaving as soon as they can find positions elsewhere.
The goal is to help teams learn how to build healthy, productive conflict. Yes, you read that right! Highly successful teams have solid foundations of trust and are able to discuss and debate ideas, share different viewpoints and address concerns as they arise.
We like to use a model that helps folks learn how to have difficult conversations. Our approach is based on several other well-respected models, including those presented in Susan Scott’s book, Fierce Conversations and Kerry Patterson’s book, Crucial Conversations.
For our Essential Conversations, we have combined what we like from those models and incorporated ideas and strategies that we’ve learned over the years that we’ve worked with senior leaders and executives. Using a series of steps, it’s possible to prepare, address and resolve issues in respectful and healthy ways.
If you’re responsible for guiding managers in your organization through difficult conversations and awkward situations, you may find this helpful.
The first step to resolving conflict is understanding why conflict happens. Personality styles, communication problems and even poor leadership can be exacerbating factors. When we know the WHY, we can work on ways to actively resolve it.
When you need to have a difficult conversation about any issue, it’s important to ensure that:
- the concern is detailed and clearly shared,
- everyone’s emotions are understood,
- the desired outcome is clear, and
- those involved commit to a solution.
It helps to make certain that everyone involved has the opportunity to share concerns and feel heard. Our steps facilitate ways to describe each person’s perspective and feelings, striving for everyone to understand and be understood.
Coach’s Questions:
What conflicts regularly arise? What would happen if leaders and team members were equipped with ways to turn difficult conversations into essential conversations? How could your organization benefit from productive conflict?
Are there conversations that you know are needed and necessary that aren’t happening? We can help. Learn more about our team workshop, where we help you, other leaders and team members learn how to have Essential Conversations.
Additionally, there are simple shifts that help to resolve conflict. We now offer an online, live course that is devoted to productive conflict that is ideal for leaders, managers, supervisors and employees.
