Most of us dread and avoid difficult conversations, especially in the workplace.
The need for them, however, seems to arise with regularity for most leaders.
- A team member rages at a coworker.
- Someone’s job performance is poor.
- There’s an issue with a board member.
- Recent conversations among some team members warrant a discussion about power and privilege.
- There’s a difficulty to explain to a stakeholder.
- An angry client hung up on a call or stormed out of a meeting.
That desire to avoid difficult conversations is human nature.
We worry about upsetting folks, triggering a big outburst or just generally making things worse. But as many leaders learn over time, stalling, dropping hints or avoiding difficult conversations by pretending nothing happened doesn’t resolve issues.
Where to Start When Emotions Run High
You can start by using a coach approach to leading. Without any formal training, you can learn to use this leadership style as another approach in your leadership toolkit.
For leaders who are more used to building consensus, telling people what to do or delegating, this might take some practice. If it’s something new that you’re trying, you also might want to let your team know that you’re going to try a different approach to help them find a way forward.
Here are some things to remember when you want to use a coach approach with your team members:
- Don’t solve others’ problems. Ask questions and be comfortable with silence as folks think or consider options. (What can you tell me about this situation? not Why don’t you do X or Y to fix this?)
- Don’t listen to reply. Instead, listen to understand.
- Cultivate a sense of curiosity about the other person’s perspective. Ask open-ended questions to find out what’s going on and what others are thinking. (You mentioned X. Could you tell me more about that?)
- Check-in during discussion. (What would a successful resolution to this look like?)
- Confirm their commitment. (After what we’ve talked about today, what will your next steps be? or I heard you say X and Y. When will that happen?)
- Offer support, but don’t take over. Encourage accountability by asking what would help. (How can I help you meet this deadline? What would that look like? or What will you do to be accountable for this deadline?)
A coach approach works well with high performers, when you want to build good conflict around ideas with your team or when you’re wanting to help a colleague become more responsible for their own role.
How to Tackle More Difficult Conversations
There are times when other leadership tools haven’t worked and leaders face serious situations, sensitive topics or high stakes outcomes. The time for giving feedback or coaching is past, and it is now time to have a discussion. For example,
- An allegation of improper conduct has been made.
- Despite support, job performance has not improved.
- The resolution of a situation could make or break a business deal.
These are the kinds of conversations that keep us up at night, running through what-ifs and how the conversation might go.
At Padraig, we like to turn difficult conversations into essential conversations.
Here are strategies that help to do this:
1. Consider Your Purpose
Instead of worrying about how to handle a difficult topic, think about what your desired outcome is. The way you frame the conversation affects your mindset (think nightmare versus challenge). For example, instead of assuming the worst and preparing to talk about poor performance that must change, seek to find out what’s happened and what a resolution could be. Or, instead of chastising someone, the goal is to help someone understand what went wrong and how to take accountability. It could also be that you’re not just saying no, you’re offering alternate solutions. This is an important step because when you know your goal and desired outcome, it’s easier to stay objective.
2. Regulate Your Own Emotions
Take a moment to breathe and prepare yourself mentally to start this conversation calmly and objectively. If you arrive tense, anxious and defensive, how will the person you’re talking with react? Sometimes, we have other things going on in our professional or personal lives that could affect how we respond to others or cause us to make assumptions. Making the effort to check-in with yourself to clear your mind will steady your nerves and help you handle upset or conflict. Also, prepare yourself to respond calmly and confidently if the other person does respond in the way you fear. If you’re worried they’ll get angry and loud, don’t let yourself react to that. Plan ahead to become even more quiet and calm. Prepare what you will say, such as, “I know this is upsetting, and I can see you seem angry (or hurt, or resentful, etc). Nevertheless, it’s something we need to solve, so please take a moment to work through this initial reaction so we can continue to discuss the issue.”
3. Jot Down Your Key Points
It’s helpful to make a few notes about things you want to remember for the conversation, but resist the urge to write a script. If things don’t go as planned (which often happens in life), scripted lines will sound inauthentic.
4. Stay Neutral and Be Empathetic
State the issue or topic in a simple, direct way. (It’s been brought to my attention that you missed a deadline. Other staff members allege you became abusive toward them and used derogatory language.) Ask for the other person’s viewpoint, and ask them to help you understand what happened from their perspective. Try to get more information with non-judgmental language. (What happened then? instead of What were you thinking?!) Show your empathy with neutral observations and follow-up questions. (That sounds very intense. How do you feel about it?) When you demonstrate empathy for what was happening for them, it creates a safe place for someone to be vulnerable and truthful.
5. Give the Other Person the Opportunity to Respond
Resist the urge to interrupt, and listen to understand. Are you jumping to conclusions? Did you assume negative intent? Listen and then seek clarification as required. Meaningful dialogue can lead to collaborative problem-solving and resolutions.
6. Stay Slow and Steady
Particularly if things get heated, speak a little more slowly than you normally would and keep your tone even and low. Pause and think about what has been said to you and how to reply. Are there options or alternatives you can propose? Sometimes, an essential conversation will lead to collaborative problem-solving. Other times, you might help someone see a way out of a difficult situation.
There are times that after you approach an essential conversation with curiosity and a desire to understand a situation, you will build trust and earn the respect of the other person.
Difficult conversations that are handled with empathy and an open mind make space for honest conversation, healthy conflict around ideas and opportunities for growth or change.
Coach’s Questions:
What situations come to mind when you think about difficult conversations? What conversations have you avoided? What’s held you back? What will help you have an essential conversation?
What conversations should your team be having that you’re not? We can help. We have a team workshop that helps leaders and team members learn how to have Essential Conversations.We also have an online, live course that is devoted to productive conflict for leaders, managers, supervisors and employees.
